


run with me to the ends of the earth (and i'll carry you the rest of the way)

by numbah1yankee



Series: The Avengers Hipster!verse [1]
Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Study, M/M, References to Suicide Attempt, Relationship Study, Sibling Incest, runaways - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-25 07:07:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/636375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/numbah1yankee/pseuds/numbah1yankee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor is crazy on the best days and Loki is just trying to keep up.</p><p>Or the non-hero AU where Thor has a severe mood disorder and Loki runs away with him to keep from hurting himself but sadder than this summary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	run with me to the ends of the earth (and i'll carry you the rest of the way)

**Author's Note:**

> The portrayal of Thor's disease is an exaggerated version of what I have and have experienced. I have only been able to diagnose to depression part so I don't actually know what to call what he has.

It is the quiet moments tucked away in the darkest recesses of the night that Loki cherishes most. When they are tangled together among strange sheets in strange towns. Those nights where Thor's sleep is restful and his face is devoid of the manic ecstasy of the day. When the crushing malaise that Loki knows will soon follow seems a distant possibility rather than a close inevitability. 

He gently brushes a strand of blonde hair out of Thor's face and resists the urge to lean down and press his lips against the slightly damp brow. It is late July if Loki recalls correctly and even inside the air is hot and muggy. 

He doesn't remember where they are. Somewhere south he thinks. 

They'd gotten there only a few hours ago and had immediately fallen into each other on the bed, bodies buzzing with an electricity they knew not the source of. They had driven all day stopping only for gas and bathroom breaks. Loki standing vigil in the passenger seat as Thor slammed the gas like it was the only thing tethering him to this plane. 

They'd only stopped because Loki insisted knowing that if he didn’t, they would keep going until Thor fell from his dizzying heights. Thor had protested up until the door of the shitty motel room slammed shut behind them. Then it had been a quick but satisfying flurry of hands and mouths and thrusts and pants and whispered words and promises that Thor would not remember and Loki would pretend to forget.

Loki watches, fascinated, as Thor’s chest rises and falls. He wonders which Thor the morning will bring. 

Will they be clambering to the car in search of this thing or another, driving as if hell itself were after them?

Or will they be holed up in this room, amongst the lies and secrets of strangers, Loki trying his hardest to keep Thor afloat, ignoring the fact that he himself is drowning?

A soft, sleep-ridden sigh echoes in the darkness and Thor tucks himself closer into Loki’s smaller frame. 

Something inside Loki flares, warm and soft.

He wraps his arms around Thor, gives in to his urge to press his lips against his brow and decides that it is moments like this that make the mornings bearable.

*

They leave home after Loki turns 18 and Thor has dropped out of college. He says he’d felt trapped, like he was choking to death all the time. 

He’d come home in the dead of the night and snuck in through Loki’s bedroom window, rousing the younger man from his slumber as he quickly packed a bag for him.

Thor had been practically vibrating. His words coming out in a jumble of promises and persuasion. He’d cupped his brother’s face in his large palms and showered his face with kisses, his eyes glittering with unshed tears as he begged.

“We have to go now. Please brother, I feel I shall die if we don’t.”

Loki knew their parents would be furious. Knew that he should call out for them so they could force Thor to go back on the meds. Knew that he should roll over and ignore what his brother’s lips did to him.

But he still remembered the feel of his brother’s hand, cold and still in his own too warm and unsteady palm all those years ago.

So instead, he squeezes his eyes shut and crushes his lips against Thor’s. He says nothing as he dresses and grabs the haphazardly packed duffle bag and tosses it out the window onto the front lawn before clutching Thor’s hand once, like a prayer, and climbing out behind his bag.

*

Thor doesn’t only have the ups and the downs.

There are times when he is just Thor again. When he is calm and collected and every bit the big brother he should be.

During these times, they stay put in whatever town they find themselves in. They go out and work, get to know people, make acquaintances if not full-fledged friends. Things are normal and both Thor and Loki go back to being normal brothers.

Thor’s stable periods vary.

They can range from a few days to several months. The longest to date is ten months. They rented an apartment and worked in a grocery store in a tiny town Loki never learned the name of. 

In the beginning of this thing, Loki would get excited when a stable period came on. He would run out and find an apartment, go out looking for jobs, start settling down. It felt good to stay for once, to potentially have a home again.

It never lasted though.

There always came a time when Thor would wake up in the middle of the night, pack them up, and drag Loki into the car for another day or two of stiff backs and gas station snacks. Or Thor would lay staring sadly at the wall for days, unresponsive and silent, not eating or saying a word.

Nowadays Loki knows to enjoy what he can of the stable periods. He never settles in too much, doesn’t grow attached because no matter what he knows the other shoe is going to drop at any time.

*  
Thor only feels guilty when he is stable.

In the time between the highs and lows, when he’s clear headed and content. 

Then is the only time that the true magnitude of his actions fall upon his shoulders and crush him. When he realizes what the selfishness brought on by his illness has caused.

Loki should be living his life surrounded by friends and family. He should have graduated from high school, gone to college, met a girl or boy and settled down. He should have stayed and been the prodigy that their parents always wanted. The one who made others overlook the crazy, sick, mistake that was their first born. 

Instead, he is here, with Thor, following him up and down the country on the whims of a crazy person. Making sure each night that they have a place to stay, that Thor actually eats something, that he doesn’t hurt himself, that he’s not alone. Kissing him and holding him and doing things that no brother should ever do to nor want done to them by their elder brother. 

Thor only hates himself when he is stable.

Because Loki shouldn’t have to do this. Because he should never have stolen his brother away. Because Thor should never have crossed that brotherly line.

Because he should be the one to protect his little brother. 

Not the other way around.

*

They go home once.

Thor is on an especially aggressive up and he can’t quite remember why they had left in the first place. Loki almost tells him they can’t, that their parents were dead, that they had moved and he couldn’t remember their address, that there was something better in the opposite direction, anything to get them to another town in another state where no one knows their name.

It’s so much easier than telling him the truth. That their parents had been much too preoccupied with their social calendars to even notice that their sons had run off months ago. That their parents had avoided acknowledging their eldest son years ago after the first signs had presented themselves and the first round of medications had backfired. That even today they probably didn’t talk about the reasons surrounding his first stay in that institution that did more harm than good.

But Thor’s eyes plead and he keeps his mouth shut knowing he will regret it later.

Loki regrets it the second they pull into the driveway. 

He is sure Thor regrets it the second they are greeted by the disdainful frowns of their parents.

“What if we had had company over?”

“You can’t just show up like this?”

“I keep putting money in the account, we had assumed that would keep you away.”

“This family has seen enough embarrassment.”

Loki watches as each admonishment stabs through Thor. Watches as the older man visibly crumbles and knows that tonight will be the beginning of a fall he’s not sure either of them will be able to come back from.

He doesn’t actually remember striking out and punching the man he had once called father. He doesn’t remember his mother’s screech or the grunt and thud as Odin falls to the floor clutching his nose. What he does remember is the broken sound that Thor makes as he tries to pull him back.

That night, Loki drives. Hard and fast and so reckless its a miracle they don’t get stopped because Loki doesn’t have a license. He keeps driving until the empty light comes on, constantly watching Thor curled up in the backseat silent and still.

They never go back.

*

When Thor is on an up he kisses like he is dying. Like every swipe of tongue, clash of teeth, and press of lips is his final repentance. He worships Loki’s body like an altar and pays penance with each touch, kiss, and thrust.

It is fast and hard and when its over, Thor always holds onto Loki like its his apology, muttering gibberish against the hair or collarbone of the smaller man. 

When he is on a low, Thor kisses like he is already dead. He is quiet and pliant and Loki spends hours trying to put him back together one muffled gasp, one gentle kiss, one slow thrust at a time.

Sometimes, when it’s over, the older man will roll over silently and curl into himself for hours, not speaking, not moving. Other times there will be long tracks of silent tears sliding down his cheeks as he presses his face into Loki’s chest and grips him tight like he is afraid his brother will disappear if he lets go.

In all the years that they have been doing this, Loki still hasn’t decided which he prefers.

He does know however, that either is preferable to the times when Thor is stable.

When they don’t touch. When they don’t talk about the tangling of legs and clenching of sheets and there is a cloud of guilt that hangs about Thor’s head like a storm cloud. 

*

Thor has always hated sadness.

He hates the overwhelming feeling of loss and uncertainty that always seems to come with it. He hates crying but he hates wanting to cry even more. 

For him, sadness was always overpowering and unpredictable. There were no warning signs for him, no catalyst. He would sometimes be in the middle of a pleasant conversation and then suddenly he felt as if he was drowning in despair, tears burning his eyes and emotion choking him.

He thinks the fact that nothing and everything can make him feel like dying that he hates the most.

Thor has also grown to hate happiness.

Because it’s never just happiness, is it? 

It comes with the uncontrollable urge to run, to move, to see, to feel, to live. An urge that when ignored makes him feel every bit like he is being trapped, like the walls are closing in around him and if he could just start moving and keep moving he’d be able to breathe again.

For him, happiness is never really happy.

Thor hates happiness and sadness but he can deal with them if it means never having to feel the stifling indifference that the medications made him feel.

*

Sometimes Thor will gain a moment of clarity during a manic episode.

He’ll be 20 miles over the speed limit on a two lane highway somewhere and suddenly he’ll realize exactly how wrong this all is.

He’ll look over to the passenger seat where Loki has finally succumbed to sleep and feel his heart gripped with guilt because he knows that its the first time Loki has shut his eyes since he dragged him out of bed possibly days ago.

He promises each and every time that the next time he’s manic he’ll leave Loki. He’ll go off and run on his own, never to turn back. Because Loki deserves to have a life. It’ll hurt him but in the end he’ll go back home, their parents will forgive him and he’ll move on with his life and make something of himself without his crazy older brother holding him back.

And then its gone and he’s back to feeling choked and he rolls down all the windows and goes 30 over just to get some relief. 

He tells himself that he just keeps forgetting to leave Loki in the swirl of hormones and panic.

Truth is, he’s selfish and he doesn’t want to live life if he doesn’t have Loki by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the beginning of a non-hero AU where Loki and Thor are damaged floaters, like Sam and Dean minus the supernatural hunting, and they somehow (haven't quite hammered that part down yet) end up living with the rest of the Avengers crew who are a bunch of starving artist hipster types squatting in some condemned apartment building. I'll probably do character/relationship studies of the other relationships in the verse before starting the main story.


End file.
